Hey Tribe! So, I am back again with another post about my journey with cancer and I'm starting to wonder if I am thriving or surviving? Yes, I know I have been super positive up until this point but the reality is that you have those days where everything seems a bit grim. I choose to lean into those days and embrace all the emotions that come with them. So follow me down the road of doubt.
The Road of Doubt is that mental space where you hear what the doctors are saying what the test results reveal but..... YOU STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT. That's where I am at today. I have completed my last chemo treatment and all my scans came back negative. I should be all wave your hands in the air, wave them like you just don't care dancing fool right now. Well I'm not. For this first time during this process I realize that I just may be scared. That feels better just stating those words, I am scared. I have never said that through this entire ordeal. I have remained focused and strong, the things that I am good at. Be strong, check! Be focused, check! Press on, check! Do it with a smile, check! Today is not that day, no strong friend vibes over here.
I want to start off by saying you can cry if you want to! I sure you may have already done this, but sometimes I have to give myself permission. I know that crying is not a sign a weakness but to me it is a sign that I am not fighting at my full potential. Cancer became a huge part of my life so quickly that when it is taken away will I instantly feel joy and then loss. When I was fighting through chemo treatments, remembering to take meds everyday that I didn't focus on what was happening to me just on winning the fight. That fight is not over, but once it was gone it was time to deal with it. Was I thriving or surviving? I think I was doing a lot of surviving. Surviving going through all the changes happening so fast. If I am being honest then the reality is that I don't think that I could have made it through all of this without a bit of both. I had my days that were all thriving and I cherish those days more than any other. Those were the days that the benadryl didn't make my eyes low during treatment. Yes, I count all wins even the small ones. Celebrate everything that you can.
Surviving..... yeah I did some of this too. I think that I am surviving when the doctors office calls and makes a million appointments that they never asked you about. I find myself wanting to fight against them. Then I remember that they are trying to save my life. So I power through these appointments. Its ok to just survive sometimes that is still a win.
At the end of it all we are fighting for our lives tooth and nail and we are SURTHRIVORS! We are doing a bit of both surviving and thriving!
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